


I Need An Adultier Adult to Successfully Adult

by Pendragons Dragonlord (PseudoAuthor)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Arthur is cool, Bets & Wagers, Chemistry, Humor, Lunch Bandit, M/M, Merlin is a disaster, Pining, tortoises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 12:42:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4706453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseudoAuthor/pseuds/Pendragons%20Dragonlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The second time he encountered the chemistry teacher AKA Arthur Pendragon, AKA Pratface, AKA Sexy Dude in a Lab Coat, it was because his students were yelling right outside of his class room.</p>
<p>Also he's been avoiding Arthur ever since he came back six weeks into term, because well...reasons.</p>
<p>In which: Merlin and Arthur are high school teachers, Merlin pines over Arthur, Gwaine makes bets, Merlin has grand aspirations of becoming a tortoise and someone keeps stealing Merlin's lunch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Need An Adultier Adult to Successfully Adult

**Author's Note:**

> Written for tavern tales - and inspired from a comment I found on tumblr which when I locate it I shall acknowledge it. 
> 
> Chemistry jokes are from the net, as is the picture which pretty much sums up my disdain for high school English. 
> 
> Warnings: Swearing.
> 
> Unbeta'd = all mistakes are mine.

It's a little voyeuristic.

He puts another forkful of his pasta into his mouth and chews quietly.

Just a tad.

The man on the screen lifts his arm upwards and rubs vigorously at a smudge of black ink at the very top of the board. His forest green polo shirt stretches across his back and for a brief second a flash of tanned skin appears.

He gapes at the screen, his hand with the fork dropping uselessly by his side as he watches the man turn around and run his hand through his blonde hair before sitting at his desk and leafing through a pile of papers. 

_I'm totally fucked._

In his defence if the chemistry teacher didn't want him to perve on him as he was wiping down the whiteboard, then he should have probably turned off the livestream off for the class room.

* * *

It actually takes a while to get to this point. Backtracking is needed

* * *

On Merlin's first day of school his teacher had asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. It's the stock-standard question, not just for children but adults too. The answers given are subject to change for most, forcibly changed for others and resemble large omnipresent question marks for some, or for most in times of crisis (read: general job dissatisfaction).

For Merlin, once he had stopped crying for his mother, hiccupping from crying, and got his breath back from hiccupping, he had said with all the aplomb that a five year old could manage that he wanted to be a tortoise.

Why a tortoise you may ask? As did the teacher who managed to pry the words from Merlin's mouth in the first place after a morning of hysterics.

"Because they carry their home with them," Merlin explained, subsequently melting the teacher into a puddle of goo and firmly cementing himself as her favourite despite the fact that teachers aren't meant to have favourites (but they inevitably do, just as parents have their favourite child - don't lie that you don't). "Oh," Merlin continued, "and they're green."

* * *

Alas, as evidenced by this story, Merlin did not become a tortoise.

Though he did dress up as one when they did the school's nativity play. So, close enough.

* * *

Fast-tracking now.

In the subsequent years after the nativity play where Merlin got close to fulfilling his lifelong dream of becoming a tortoise he:

  *          Grew in height though not in width.
  *          Fell in love at the tender age of six with a girl named Freya who broke his heart when she bit him on the arm.
  *          Realised that his favourite colour was no longer green.
  *          Realised that 'tortoise' was no longer a valid occupation to aspire to (at the age of eight - he held onto his for as long as he could and even now as an adult still hopes that one day he can morph into one...somehow).
  *          Continued to grow in height and not width and go through the dreaded years of puberty where his voice cracked on every second word for at least six months straight.
  *          Came to an understanding that he wasn't straight.
  *          Fell in lust with a student called Gwaine.
  *          Fell out of lust with the student called Gwaine.
  *          Gained a friend named Gwaine.
  *          Decided to go into teaching (as did Gwaine).
  *          Graduated high-school.
  *          Entered uni.
  *          Grew in width, though not height (though he was still 'skinny as a needle' according to his mother who tried to feed him at least six meals a day).
  *          Got unbelievably drunk at uni (though this occurred more than once).
  *          Accidently tripped over a girl named Gwen in the hallway who then sat right next to him in his lecture (and is now his friend).
  *          Studied (a lot).
  *          Had sex with a guy called Will (who vaguely reminded him of a kid he went to pre-school with).
  *          Had sex with a guy called Percy (who is  a total sweet heart).
  *          Found out that Gwaine had the hots for Percy and magnanimously moved aside  so that Gwaine could 'tap that'.
  *          Graduated uni.
  *          Went on placement to a high-school which only confirmed to him that teenagers were arseholes.
  *          Taught English overseas for six months (and found that teenagers were arseholes no matter the country).
  *          Got a job at Camelot High.



* * *

Which brings us to not quite now, but closer to now, in which Merlin is eating pasta and perving on the chemistry teacher.

* * *

Merlin's first encounter with the chemistry teacher ends with a trip to the hospital and two broken fingers a la: 

It's the first day of term and he's excited and slightly - very - over-caffeinated. Gwen had chided him, saying that bouncing off the walls like a six year old wasn't going to get him very far amongst a bunch of sixteen year olds who thought that the relevance of Shakespeare should have ended when he died.

But he's excited.

So he bounds to the staffroom, David Bowie blaring through the earbuds of his iPod and slams the door shut behind him. Except, there's an angry yell and cursing coming from behind the door a second later and all the teachers in the staffroom have paused and are coming towards Merlin.

Another yell has Merlin opening the door to a blonde man cradling his hand to his chest, face flushed red and breathing heavily, in through his nose and out through his mouth. His immediate thought is that the man is bloody gorgeous but then he takes stock of the angry glare being shot in his direction and his ogling slowly gets replaced by something else.

Thanks to the caffeine it doesn't take Merlin long to piece together what's just happened and immediately feels horrified.

"I'm so sorry!" There's a crowd of students slowly moving past the staffroom, watching this morning’s gossip unfold. They should be rushing, but they aren't because they're curious little shits.

The blonde lifts his head up from looking at his reddening hand and angry-whispers (it's not a whisper, but it is an inside voice) at Merlin. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Shit, are you alright?" Merlin reaches out to touch the man on the shoulder.

The man shakes his injured hand in a poor one handed imitation of Taylor Swift shaking it off before his face pales considerably and he re-clutches his hand to his chest. "No, I'm not fucking alright."

Gwaine's appears behind the man and shoos the students along with an easy smile. "Lads, you're in the midst of students. As the only responsible adult here, and that's just terrifying, I feel that it's my duty to inform you both to stop swearing." He looks at Merlin and then to the rest of their colleagues standing behind Merlin. "Adultier adults," he says pointing to them, with wide dramatic eyes, "why are you not being responsible?"

"I'm not swearing!" Merlin, wipes a hand down his face.  "Shit, Gwaine I think we should call an ambulance."

"Is he bleeding?" Someone says from behind him.

"Yeah, I am," the blonde says, "but I don't need a hospital." The blood tracking down his wrist and onto the floor really suggest otherwise.

"C'mon mate, we'll take you to the nurses, have you bandaged and I'll drive you over," Gwaine says clapping the man on the shoulder. "I technically don't have to teach today."

With one last annoyed look in Merlin's direction the blonde disappears out of sight followed by Gwaine who winks at him happily and sticks up two thumbs to say good luck.

As Merlin looks at the drops of blood on the carpet, he reckons he's going to need it.

* * *

_Merlin, it's Gwaine, just updating you on Arthur because I know you'll worry and feel guilty. He's got two broken fingers. Pinky might need some surgery cause you absolutely smashed the joi - it's slightly more serious than expected. Other than that he's fine should take six weeks to recover._

* * *

Despite Gwen's best efforts, Merlin doesn't really have a social life but he figures the bunch of friends he's got is good enough.

He lives with Gwen which is lovely because it means that there's always cake in the house and clean towels in the cupboard.

The only down side is that he has front row seat to the ups and downs of Gwen's romance with Lance which on his slightly fed-up days he cynically thinks, rival that of Romeo and Juliet. To be fair to Gwen and Lance, Romeo and Juliet was pretty much all down.

But total kudos to Rosaline for dodging that bullet, well poison. Smart girl that Rosaline. He totally  identifies with Rosaline.

"Merlin," Gwen sighs. "Explain this to me again."

"I'd rather not. Isn't Lance coming today?" At the mention of Lance she frowns and twists the tissue in her hand until it tears into two. "Nevermind."

She discards the tissue and hands him his slice of chocolate cake. "Lance is worried that he's holding me back from finding 'true love'. We are currently angry at him."

"How long are we going to be angry at him for?"

"I haven't made my mind up yet," she mumbles around her mouthful. "He's being ridiculous."

"Is this about that drinking problem that he had as a teenager but managed to kick with no relapse and consequently has been sober for ten plus years?"

"No," she says. She sighs and Merlin sighs because Gwen's about to get teary. "He asked me to move in with him."

"And you said yes."

"I said yes."

Dutifully Merlin pats her back and repeats the same words he has the last nine other times they've had this conversation. "Gwen, he's crazy about you and you are great together. This is great news and you'll do it and it'll be fucking wonderful."

"Yeah except he kept saying if I didn't want to I don't have to which makes it sound like he doesn’t want me to."

"So we are going to be angry at him until he understands that you want to despite the fact you already said yes." He's seriously confused as to whether he'll miss her or not sometimes.

"Exactly!" She beams at him happily and moves focus back onto his own issues – namely the lunch bandit. "So really, explain this to me again."

"It's stupid, but I'm pretty sure someone's stealing my lunch on purpose." Merlin huffs and sinks into the couch until his chin touches his chest. "Like, yesterday. I went in and put it on the shelf with my name on it in big block letters. Seriously, you couldn't have missed it. I'm talking like visible from space sized writing. And then when I went to get it, it was gone."

In his mind he makes the dramatic _duh, duh, duh._

"Why would anyone want to steal your lunch?"

And that is the million dollar question. "I don't know!"

* * *

The second time he encountered the chemistry teacher AKA Arthur Pendragon, AKA Pratface, AKA Sexy Dude in a Lab Coat, it was because his students were yelling right outside of his class room.

Also he's been avoiding Arthur ever since he came back six weeks into term, because well...reasons.

"Mr Emrys?" Ginny hesitantly puts her hand up tapping her pen against her desk and casting a dark look to the door.

"Yeah Gin, I know." He takes note of the other students who are all furiously attempting to scribble on their grammar tests but failing because certain someones’ are butchering _Let It Go._

He heaves up a window and shouts: "Oi! My kids are trying to do an English test, pipe down!"

To which comes the reply: "Oh come off it Merlin. Didn't you know, 'the curtains were blue' means that that 'the curtains were fucking blue'?" He finally spots Arthur crouched down on the asphalt in the centre of his students fiddling with an empty soft drink bottle. "None of you heard me curse by the way."

"Did you just insult me?"

Arthur stands up, white lab coat falling around to the top of his knees and really, something that shapelessly ugly shouldn't look that amazing on a person. Like really. It's just unfair. Merlin pulls his 'old man sweater' as Gwaine calls it, tighter around himself.

"Nah," says Arthur, moving to the bicycle pump. "I was insulting your choice of subject."

A boy from Arthur's class _oohs_ as another one mimes a gun.

"Shots fired," a girl states, sounding like this is the greatest thing to happen in her life thus far.

"That's insulting me!"

Arthur continues to pump air into the bottle easily and grins obnoxiously in Merlin's direction. "Insulting you Merlin would be telling you that your cardigan's especially horrendous today."

Merlin gawps. And unable to come back with anything remotely cutting shuts the window spins around and proceeds to watch as his entire English class forgets about their grammar tests and begin to gossip about the _'OMG sexual tension...like you can totally cut it with a knife...shit, were they flirting...wow they totally hate each other right now…'_

* * *

The next day as he enters his class room he sees that stupid picture pasted all over his walls.

He took down most of them, just kept one or two up to remind him that Arthur was a clotpole.

Throughout the day, his students all seem to concur with the stupid picture.

In retaliation he makes them write a two-thousand word essay on how Twilight exists as a literary standout of the 21st century using Shakespeare as a benchmark.

He’s not going to mark it.

* * *

He’d love to something as equally annoying to Arthur, except he can’t because chemistry’s contributed to everything and…just, fuck it, he’s going to break bad and resort to meth jokes.

* * *

He doesn’t.

Instead he prints out Arthur’s staff picture blu-tacks it to the white board and writes underneath it.

_If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit._    
                _(Kids, no cursing!)_

* * *

They volley back and forth for the next four months.

Honestly, aside from every sarcastic trade of _Mer_ lin, and Prat, in the corridors they don’t actually talk.

Or they do but it normally ends in Merlin stammering, or blushing or generally cursing the existence of Arthur whilst watching him from afar or on the computer as he is currently doing now. And seriously he thinks, as he takes another bite of pasta, he doesn’t get how someone like Arthur could be single.

And finally we reach _now._

Merlin sitting in his class room watching Arthur, stand up and stretch his arms in the air after being crouched over papers. He sees another sliver of skin, and maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but a shadowy outline of _abs_ and feels his face flush with heat.

He only found out that Arthur was single because Mithian had asked him out on a date and he politely rebuffed her saying that he wasn’t interested in women which as Gwaine snicked childishly meant that he was already ‘totally in’.

He thunks his head on his desk.

Which is how Gwaine finds him five minutes later.

“Are you still watching Arthur?”

He nods miserably and makes a noise that’s suspiciously close to a goose.

“He do anything interesting?”

“Just a bit of stretching.”

“Ah.” Gwaine pulls up a chair and sits next to Merlin, kicking his feet onto the desk. “So you figure it out then?

“Figure out what? That’s he’s torturing me on purpose? How can anyone that good looking be such an arsehole?”

It takes Gwaine a few seconds to come back with an appropriate response to that. He eventually lands on, “I…shit, you figured out that I wanted Percy in under two weeks and you still haven’t gotten this almost half a year later?”

* * *

And now to the future.

* * *

The Lunch Bandit continues to steal Merlin’s lunches.

It’s come to the point where an email has been sent out to the staff because everyone is sick of listening to Merlin complain about.

 

> _Dear Staff,_
> 
> _To the ‘Lunch Bandit’ who continues to appropriate Merlin Emrys’ lunch, I implore you to stop._
> 
> _If anyone knows the identity of the Bandit then please inform me so I can suitably chastise them._
> 
> _Alternatively, inform Gwaine as he will, ‘beat the ever-loving shit’ out of the person._
> 
> _Please note, that I’ve informed Gwaine that violence will not be tolerated, although the sentiment is appreciated, and if he wishes to beat someone then it’ll will be done off school property._
> 
> _Alternative to that, inform Gwen, who will stare at you disapprovingly. We all know that that’s enough to make anyone dissolve into tears, regret their actions and consider their future choices._
> 
> _Again, to the Lunch Bandit – turn yourself in._
> 
> _G._

* * *

 At lunch, he goes to the staffroom, opens the door and finds that his lunch has been taken. He then goes over to Gwaine’s room and steals half of his lunch and then proceeds to complain about Arthur.

It’s only when Gwaine points out that he’s doing a lot of dopey smiling for someone who stringently hates Arthur’s guts that Merlin realises that maybe he doesn’t hate Arthur quite as much as he’s tricked his brain into thinking that he hates Arthur.

“Oh my god.”

Around a mouthful of broccoli Gwaine mumbles: “I can’t believe you’re only getting this now.”

Merlin stands up. “But I broke two of his fingers!”

“You did. And he was pissed and then you flirted and when you get your shit together you’ll eventually fuck.”

“Oh my god.”

“Can you just do it soon and by soon I mean, preferably in the next three months otherwise I’m handing out a bunch of A’s to my year eleven students and to be honest with you only like three of them deserve it.” Gwaine teaches physics so Merlin kind of believes him.

At this point, Elena comes in pulling her sweatshirt off and smoothing out her t-shirt. She takes a glance in Merlin’s direction. “He alright?”

“Just figured out he’s got a thing for Arthur.”

Elena props herself on Gwaine’s desk and claps her hands. “Finally! Pay up Gwaine! Fifty quid.”

“He hasn’t gotten with him yet!”

“Yeah but he’s acknowledged that he doesn’t hate him.”

“Merlin, seriously, get your shit together, otherwise I’m gonna lose all sorts of thing.” He hands over a crumpled pile of notes to her and frowns. “What’s it look like so far?”

Elena shrugs. “Most of the men think that they won’t until after the year finishes. Most of the women think it’ll be in the next three months.”

Gwaine pouts. “I think it’s in the next three months.”

She rolls her eyes and readjusts her position, putting her feet in his lap with a meaningful look. “You can’t actually bet a grade. That’s unethical.”

Gwaine sighs, leaving his lunch and starts massaging her calves. “It’s not like I can bet money El.” The idea of work-spouses are epitomised by those two.

Merlin finally speaks bringing attention to the fact that he is indeed in the room. “You’re taking bets on us?”

Gwaine crows and throws his hands in the air. “Hey he admits there’s an ‘us’! Pay me!”

“Nice try.” She points to her calves and he immediately gets back to work.

“Most of the specials are fifty-fifty for the time period.”

“How about Gaius?”

“Our esteemed leader already thought they were doing it.”

“My uncle thinks what?!”

* * *

“Hello?”

The voice on the other end of the line is deep. _“Hi, Merlin?”_

As adjusts the cuffs on his shirt he answers back distractedly: “Uh, yeah, who’s this?”

There’s rustling. _“Oh, it’s Arthur.”_ Merlin almost drops the phone in surprise and then catalogues the rustling. His mind inexplicably thinks bed which leads to thoughts of Arthur in bed.  This only pushes him down the rabbit hole to where thoughts of _Arthur in bed with Merlin_ , lie dormant in a tremulous sort of, accidental touch will cause an explosion, sort of way. 

“Hey, what do you want?” He sounds short and winces.

Arthur, oblivious to Merlin’s internal struggles sounds apologetic and sweet and lovely. _“Um…I was just…my car won’t start and I was wondering whether you could swing by and give me a lift? I’m pretty sure I’m on the way in.”_

“Sure, just text me the address.”

There’s silence and then Merlin stares at his phone only to see that Arthur’s rung off without saying thank you.

“Douchenozzle.”

* * *

Somehow this becomes the new routine:

Merlin gets ready, drives to Arthur’s, honks the horn, waits for Arthur, drives to school, to where they depart for the day.

Then, during the day, they snark, trade banter, Gwaine rolls his eyes, the staffroom becomes the telephone tree where news about them is traded (Gwen’s informed him of this), they teach – obviously, and then Arthur meets him in the carpark, to where Merlin drives him back, says goodnight and then drives home 

* * *

“Mr Emrys?”

Merlin looks up from his laptop to where he’s trying to plan a lesson for his year sevens and is watching Arthur. “Yes Jonathon?”

“Are you dating Mr Pendragon?” He slams the laptop shut, and squawks, “Sorry what?”

He glares in Matt’s direction and the two have a harshly whispered conversation, both darting looks in Merlin’s direction. “Nevermind.” Jonathon says quickly.

But Merlin does mind.

Merlin minds for the rest of the goddamn day.

He spots Arthur at the end of the day, at his car, and wonders if it’s not too late to just chuck the keys in Arthur’s direction and run all the way home instead. “You okay? You’re looking stunned, like a stoat.”

“Fine, just thinking of something a student said to me.”

“Was it inappropriate?” Arthur sounds genuinely upset about the thought as he climbs into the passenger side.

Merlin shakes his head and gets into the car.

“Want to tell me about it?”

“Not really.”

They spend ten minutes in silence before Merlin finally asks: “How was your day?”

Arthur lets out a rueful huff. “Tommy Danforth almost blew up my lab.”

“Shut up.”

“Honest to god.”

“That kid…” Merlin trails off unable to find the words to describe the teenager. “He’s smart though.”

“Yeah?”

“Reads books like he’s breathing.” Arthur smiles at him softly and Merlin smiles back aware that they’re holding gaze for longer than normal.

The car behind him beeps, startling him into pushing his foot on the gas pedal as Arthur shakes his head and stares out the window.

As he pulls up into Arthur’s driveway and stops the car he feels a small unquantifiable feeling of loss. Before Arthur completely disappears from view though he rolls down his window and shouts.

“Arthur?”

The porch light turns on and he sees Arthur turn, keys still in hand, looking curiously back at him.

“I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones argon,” he says solemnly.

Arthur stands there for a few seconds before a grin lights up his face and he shakes his head. “I can see that.”

“Goodnight. I’ll see you Monday.”

“Night Merlin.”

* * *

After that night - texting happens.

* * *

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

Hey.

_Sender: Merlin Emrys_ _  
_

Wats up?

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

My class is doing a test. I’m bored. Entertain me.

_Sender: Merlin Emrys_

I’m teaching class rn.

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

What are you teaching? You know you aren’t allowed to teach FSoG

_Sender: Merlin Emrys_

I dnt even wnt to knw how u know tht acronym.

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

My sister is a literary critic. She ripped that book to shreds.

_Sender: Merlin Emrys_

Does ur sis knw bout ur aversion to English?

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

Yes, but that’s okay – once I show her these texts she’ll gut you for calling yourself an English teacher.

_Sender: Merlin Emrys_

Txt spk is a legit form of tlking 

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

I’m sure every thirteen year old agrees with you.

 

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

What are you doing now?

 

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

_Merlin?_

 

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

_Merlin!_

 

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

_MERLIN!_

_Sender: Merlin Emrys_

Sry, had to tell kids to get off phone.

 

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

_That’s ironic._

_Sender: Merlin Emrys_

Ur moronic.

_Sender: Arthur Pendragon_

_That’s poetry._

_I English._

* * *

“Percy? What are you doing here?” He smiles and ushers Percy into the empty classroom gesturing for him to sit down. He does – in Merlin’s chair, where the laptop is open and playing the livestream of Arthur’s chemistry class.

He’s dressed in black slacks and a blue shirt that matches his eyes, with the ever present lab coat to complete the ensemble. 

“Gwaine left a bunch of notes at home that he said he needed for today.” He ducks his head and looks at the laptop. “Is that him?” 

“Yeah.” Merlin bites his lip and stares out the window.

Percy shrugs but Merlin can tell that he’s practically vibrating with questions. “He looks nice enough.”

“And by that you mean….if you didn’t have Gwaine you be asking for his number?”

“Of course, unless – you know, you wanted him, which you do but are too; hell I don’t even know why you haven’t asked him out yet.”

Question number one: “Why haven’t you?”

                _Because…_

Question number two: “Will you do it soon?”

_What the-_

Question number three: “How much has Gwaine bet – in terms of money?”

                _No idea_

Question number four: “Are you certain he doesn’t already have a partner?”

_Pretty sure…_

Question number five: “Do you know if Gwaine would like a cat?”

“You already bought the cat, didn’t you?” Merlin eyes Percy who grins impishly back at him and shrugs his shoulders. “It’s not a naked one is it?”

Percy quickly shakes his head. “Fuck no – this cat’s totally got fur, orange fur!”

“You got Gwaine a ginger cat.”

“Yup.”

“Gwaine’s smother that thing to death with love.” Merlin can envision that baby talk that’s about to take place in their household and shudders.

* * *

 

 

> _Dear Staff,_
> 
> _The Lunch Bandit has still not given themselves up._
> 
> _I am reconsidering the limitation of violence upon school grounds._
> 
> _Also, Gwen’s Face of Disappointment._
> 
> _If just once Merlin’s lunch could be spared, it would be greatly appreciated. I am certain that there are other foods in the fridge that are just as appetising as his._
> 
> _G._
> 
> _…_
> 
> _Amendment to previous email –_
> 
> _I do not condone the stealing of anyone’s lunches._
> 
> _G_

* * *

Sometimes Merlin wonders what else he could’ve been.

For a brief moment, he wanted to be an astronaut. He was all ready to work hard and live life in zero gravity because well, floating in space…

What stopped that dream? He went on a rollercoaster when he was ten and discovered that he was afraid of heights and by afraid, of course, flipping terrified which resulted in him throwing up in his seat.

Another thought he entertained for a while was doctor. He loved people. He wanted to help people. But then he couldn’t sit through injections without feeling ill and he fainted every time the doctors had to draw blood. It didn’t even have to be his own blood. Just watching his mother go through a blood test at the age of sixteen had him faint and hit his head on the way down which meant a concussion and the reason for a tiny light scar on the right side of his temple.

But tortoise.

He still holds onto that one.

Maybe one day.

Not now, but soon enough.

* * *

“Fred, get off you phone.”

Fred whines. “C’mon Mr E? How’s that fair when you’re texting Mr P during class?”

Merlin fights the desire to let his mouth drop open in surprise and instead scoops up the phone. He drops it into his desk drawer. “And what makes you think I’m texting Mr P?”

“Because Nat’s in his class right now and has been texting me every time his phone’s gone off.” Chloe holds up her phone. “And I’ve been doing the same.”

He phone vibrates across the table and manages not to smile because…unprofessional.

He opens Arthur’s text to see that Arthur’s wondering why most of his class are staring at him oddly. _They all seem to have their phones out._

_I’ve been made,_ Merlin texts back.

_Sucker!_ Arthur replies.

Merlin doesn’t shake his head fondly because he’s well aware that his students are all watching him. _So have u – hence the phones out. WeR dealing w/ conspiracy_

Arthur texts back: _:’(_

Merlin really tries to fight the smile that wants to punch itself permanently across his face.

* * *

The Lunch Bandit strikes again, and for fucks sake it’s the last straw.

Merlin is grouchy, and feeling sick, and he yelled in class. He never yells in class. And he has to deal with finding a new housemate unless he wants to move in with Gwaine and Percy. And it’s not that Gwaine and Percy are bad or anything it’s just…they fuck, a lot…like rabbits…like noisy horny rabbits.

(As a point of clarification, they don’t. Currently, at best it’s twice a week, because Gwaine drowns in paper and Percy just drowns – he’s a life guard; there’s an unfortunate number of adults who can’t swim).   

But Merlin, he seriously can’t deal with that as well as the fact that some prick keeps stealing his lunch. It’s like he’s in fourth grade all over again.

So in the middle of the staffroom he has a mini breakdown which he isn’t proud of.

Gwaine sidles up to him and hands over a brown paper bag. “Percy made you nice things. Enjoy.”

* * *

He slinks away back to his classroom and turn on Arthur’s livestream to make himself feel better.

Percy’s made him mushroom risotto and a vanilla cupcake and for a brief moment he laments the niceness that was uni-him, because uni-him let Percy go.

But then Gwaine is his brother from another mother so he’s not really heartbroken. Just…lonely. Fuck, Gwen was right. He needed to get out more.

He watches Arthur neaten up a pile of papers and then check his phone. There’s a frown marring his face, and Merlin stops eating in favour of watching Arthur, trying to decipher what could possibly be wrong.

Arthur turns around, wipes the board clear and then uncaps a black marker and begins writing except. Merlin continues watching Arthur, ignoring everything about the gorgeousness of the blonde but instead focussing on the words inked across the board.

 

>                 Merlin…
> 
>                 Are you a carbon Sample?
> 
>                 Because I want to date you.

At this point Merlin’s heart seems to be in his mouth. His phone chirps beside him.

 

> _I’m being serious. I know you’re watching because Gwaine’s outside your door._

* * *

Gwaine does not have to give all his year eleven’s A’s.

He is happy about this.

* * *

Four months later, Merlin discovers the identity of the Lunch Bandit like this:

“Have you forgotten how to cook?” They’re in Arthur’s house, which is now Merlin’s house too, in the kitchen trying to make lunch. “What happened to all the yummy stuff you had for lunch like those chicken fajitas you had a few months ago?”

Merlin drops the wooden spoon into the pot of soup. “Firstly I can’t cook to save myself – Gwen normally made us lunch, and secondly, how’d you know that I had chick fajitas – I didn’t even know I had chicken fajitas until Gwen told me when I came back home?”

Arthur opens his mouth, shuts it and then winces. “Oops.”

“Oh my fucking god!” Merlin shouts. He punches Arthur in the arm and then stalks of into the bedroom locking the door behind him.

“Merlin, sorry, but I was dying and I swear the first time was an accidently, but I’ve been living with Morgana and she’s a vegan. Like militant. And you’re food was always so nice – best part of my day and…Merlin? Merlin, please open the door.

* * *

And a little further into the future:

“Hey Merlin! I know you’re watching love and I’ve got a joke for you! Listen to this, “if ‘can’t’ is short of ‘cannot’, what is ‘don’t’ short for?”

Merlin texts him back, asking for the answer, to which Arthur writes back on the whiteboard in big block letters: DOUGHNUT!

Merlin snorts out loud and some of his students raise their heads but he looks at the sternly pleased to see them dipping back to their papers.

As he watches Arthur livestream his chemistry class, Merlin thinks he’s successfully succeeded in becoming a tortoise.

**Author's Note:**

> Woohoo! My first pure humour story!  
> Hope you enjoyed it - I had a lot of fun writing it :)


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